Well, here's an anomaly...I actually managed to stay "spank free" yesterday! I know...I can't believe it myself! But, after the last 3 days, I was ready to be good for at least a little while. :) So, I thought I would expound upon why it is, I believe, that I feel the need for discipline and structure in my marriage. I don't know if it goes back to the fact that my parents were not strict disciplinarians. I was a well behaved child, as far as they knew, and I always received straight A's in school. My brother was always the one to act up, do poorly in school and get into trouble. I was the "good" child. There was only one incident of actual physical discipline in my adolescence that I can remember. In that one instance, my mother slapped me across the face for talking back to her. At the time, I was a defiant 17 year old and I just slapped her back. Obviously, this attempt at discipline was NOT terribly effective on her part!
I do not believe in having deep-seeded psychological reasons for doing ANYTHING. However, I can tell you that I was adopted as an infant. It was the 70's and it was one of those "pre-arranged" religiously affiliated adoption agencies. I know that my biological mother was 15 years old when she became pregnant with me and her parents shipped her off until she could have (and get rid of) the baby...meaning me. (Since I have grown up I have met my birth mother and know the whole story.) I know that she was not allowed to hold me after I was born. Some nurse just whisked me out of the delivery room. I also know that my adoptive parents did not come and "pick me up" until two weeks after I was born. So for the first two weeks of my life (some clinicians say the most important bonding period for an infant) I was not held, loved or nurtured.
Now, I am not an excuse maker and I would never blame any of my problems, quirks or eccentricities on anyone or any particular situation. But the older I get, the more sense I am able to make of how I have lived my life. I have NEVER been able to get REALLY close to people. And by that, I mean on an emotional level. I have always been guarded. I do not trust people. I feel that most everyone is out for themselves and so one has to steel themselves against the world. I think I did this at a very young age and it has affected how I have always conducted myself. Never allowing yourself to be hurt is self-preservation rule number one.
It wasn't until my first child came along that I felt the kind of love that moves mountains...the type of love that you would kill, or die for. (Even with my first husband, I did not feel this. I loved him, but not in the way a wife should love her husband...I don't think) I thought that the intensity of my love for my children would never be rivaled by anything or anyone. Until I met my Daddy. My love for him is much different than my love for my children (obviously, as any parent knows) but it has the same depth, intensity and fire. My love for my husband knows no limits. There isn't ANYTHING that I will not do for him. He needs only to ask, and I am honored and privileged to obey.
My Daddy is the first person in my WHOLE life (including my parents) who has made me feel safe. When I am in Daddy's arms and he is telling me that everything will be okay and that he won't let anything hurt me...I BELIEVE him. I have NEVER had that feeling before. Never had that level of security in anyone or anything. One would think you would receive that type of stability from your parents. I did not. Please don't get me wrong, I have good parents who are, in fact, wonderful people. I just think that they never knew quite how to "deal" with me. I was the one who would never let them get close. It is not their fault that I was emotionally withholding. I take that onus completely upon myself. I never have, nor ever will shirk my own responsibility.
Which brings me back to my NEED for strict discipline and rules. The structure of our Domestic Discipline Household is what I have always craved. To have someone holding me accountable for my actions. Not being allowed to "get away with things" is extremely important for my security. When my Daddy is punishing me for something I have done, I know that he loves and cares for me enough to correct me. When he lets my bad behavior slide, I feel insecure. I NEED to know that Daddy is in charge at ALL times, otherwise everything feels out of balance. I function much better as a wife, mother, friend and daughter when I am held accountable for my actions. Don't we all? ;)
P.S. Just wanted to say Thank You to anyone and everyone who has read this blog! I welcome any and all KIND feedback! (No meanies please! :)