Out Of Control

     When I awoke yesterday morning, I could feel real life come crashing back in.  When the Vanilla world starts melting into my happy DD/bg home life, the results are rarely harmonious. The kids have been on their February break, and I (and Daddy) in turn have also taken some time off.  We have both let some things slide for a few days and I woke up feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Daddy and I are also putting together a new business venture and that has eaten up all of our time over the last 6 weeks.  Things are coming down to the wire and we are both beginning to feel extremely stressed.  The added pressure of feeling like my house was beginning to fall apart was just too much.  I take GREAT pride in the way I keep my house.  I cannot function in filth and chaos...things must be orderly and neat at all times.  Otherwise, I start to feel very unsettled and anxious.
     Feelings like these, can only lead to self-destructive behavior on my part.  They will lead me to speak inappropriately and out of turn. I also tend to be disrespectful to Daddy and be fresh.  And worst of all, I will challenge his authority as HOH.  Daddy tells me that this is when I try to act like a "big girl."  This sort of behavior is sure to land me in the direct line of fire from the paddle and even the threat of that is not enough to deter me. I am terribly aware of the consequences of my actions and still cannot seem to stop myself.
     Yesterday morning started out as such.  I should have known the day would not run smoothly when I woke up.  I awoke at 4:36 a.m. and tried to get out of bed.  Daddy would not let me and this annoyed me greatly.  I was under pressure...I had STUFF TO DO!!!  By the time I was allowed out of bed, at 6 a.m., I already felt like I was behind the eight ball.
     I was being bossy and mouthy.  I knew full well that I was pushing Daddy to his breaking point, and I didn't care.  When he told me that he didn't like my behavior and why, my response was, "So?!"  That was it.  Daddy dragged my butt upstairs.  threw me over the end of the bed and yanked my pants down.  He then proceeded to say, "So you think you're a BIG girl huh? Well, I will show you how BIG girls get treated!"  He then paddled my bottom.  First one cheek, then the other and then both in unison.  The whole time he lectured me about how I have to learn my place.  I cried and answered, "Yes Daddy!"  I pleaded with him to stop.  Eventually he did; but then he sat down next to me and pulled me over his knee.  I knew this was NOT over.  He then rubbed my bottom with his hand while telling me how much he loved and cherished me.  He then explained that this punishment was for my own good.  That I must learn to respect my Daddy and not challenge him.  I tearfully agreed.  Then he gave me another set of twenty hard spankings with his hand.  Occasionally stopping to rub my bum and say, "Sshh...it's alright."  When the spanking was over, I heaved a sigh of relief.  I went to stand up and Daddy pushed me face down back on the bed and held me there with his hand.  I could feel him playing with something in his hand.  Then I felt him spread my bottom open...I knew what it was!  I then felt Daddy's finger slip inside me and I could feel the burning sensation starting to build; a silent spanking.  It was a tri-fecta of spankings today!   :(
     I whimpered softly into the blankets. When he was finished, he stood up and pulled me up next to him.  He lifted my chin with his finger and stared into my eyes which were full of tears.  He said, "You are going to be my GOOD little girl now...aren't you?"  I quietly responded, "Yes Daddy."  He kissed the top of my head and said, "Good girl!"  Somehow...I felt better.  For all the pain and embarrassment, I felt better.  When I feel out of control, I need my Daddy to reign me back in and make me feel safe and secure again.  I always want Daddy to correct me and show me all the love and attention I need...no matter what the consequences!   :)